Dear Anonymous (or however you want to spell it),
Guess who this is?
Yes I found your blog. Yes I have read every single thing you’ve posted. And I’ve got some words for you…
Firstly, I’m sorry. You don’t know how bad it hurts me to hear that you can’t sleep. I blame myself…because I told you I would be there for you, and I’m not. I told you we could get through anything, and then when it really came down to it, I abandoned you. I’m sorry. I know I was wrong. I was WRONG!! I AM SORRY. I AM SORRY!!! I’M SO SORRY!!!!! I am sorry for every sleepless night you’ve had, every time that you haven’t eaten, every time that you’ve cried by the water, every time that you’ve had bad dreams, every time that you’ve driven by places we used to go. I say it with tears, I am sorry. I would take it for you if I could. I would go back and do it differently.
Secondly, I’m upset. I have trouble sleeping just like you do. I have dreams– the other night I was sitting somewhere crying, and you came and brought me a stuffed animal and hugged me and said “Shhhh, everything will be ok,” and it was. Until I woke up. I cry everyday. In my car. Outside. When I hear songs on the radio. When I see the places we used to go. I want to throw up every time I drive down Glenburnie Road, but sometimes I do it anyway just to see if you’re there, at work. I get paranoid, I lose my appetite, I don’t want to get out of bed and live another day, I hyperventilate and cry for no reason, I lay awake and remember. They’ve gone and taken out our bench by Harris Teeter. Did you notice that? I have to force myself to eat, to move, to do anything. I look at our pictures. I read the things you wrote me. I sit outside on the porch and rehearse every moment from our four month relationship–every time you gave me your coat, every time you took my hand, every time you let me lay on you in the car, every time you brought me coffee or cookout, every time you said you loved me. Our first kiss, in a field of flowers. When we played footsies in the trailer. Twister. Imagine Dragons and Bon Jovi. Napkins. Tickling. Eye gunk and long toenails. Insidious. Captain America. Texting. Winks. Meowing. Looking at the stars. The graveyard. How you smelled (I tell you that I still smell it sometimes) Apparently, it’s been about twice as long as it usually takes to get through a break-up (ask Youtube), but I am still not over you.
Thirdly, I’m upset–in an annoyed, frustrated, angry way. I’m upset that you are seeing things only from your point of view. You act like I’m over here having a party, singing Taylor Swift, living it up, giggling, hanging out with friends, and eating ice cream all in celebration of our break-up. You told me that I destroyed you. That I crushed you, that I ruined you. That you almost lost your job because of me. Did you ever consider that you might have destroyed me too? That I didn’t “almost” lose my job because of you, but that I actually DID lose my job because of you? That I don’t have my first love anymore, my first kiss, my first holding hands, my first ANYTHING anymore? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not regretting it. But you don’t get me at all. Not at all. I’m also upset because you acted like I should have left my family in the dust. Shrug. No big deal. Like it should have been such an easy choice to make. You didn’t see my mom and dad and brother ALL cry, and my little brother come up to me and hug me and tell me how glad I was I stayed home. You don’t know that I’m loyal, like you are, to people. That I have to make hard decisions for the ones I love, like you did when you stepped away from your previous relationship for the sake of your son. You don’t get anything that I’m going through, or have gone through, or will go through. Just for the record, remind me who said this relationship would never work in the beginning? And who convinced the other that it would work? Who came up with this idea in the first place? You told me that I lied to you when I said “always and forever” and that we would get through anything. I did. I know I failed you. I’m sorry, and you don’t realize how sorry I am. But you told me something too. In December, when we first talked and went back and forth about this. You told me you would never hurt me, that my heart would not get broken. (I have this in writing, if you’re curious). You promised me that I would not get hurt. Seems like we both needed to edit our messages for accuracy.
Fourth, I am confused. How can you not see that what we did was wrong? I know that you are right, that your ex-wife (guess we better specify which “ex”) cheated on you. I’m sorry. But we were wrong too. I was wrong to tell you that I loved you while you were still with her, because how is that any different than her boyfriend sending her the same message? We were “going out” before you separated. We were texting all the time. We admitted our feelings. How is that any different? How does it make it worse than what her and him did? It was wrong. It was so wrong. And because I told God that I would follow Him, and that I gave Him my heart before I gave it to you, this ain’t gonna work. I told you that what I believed was more important to me than anything else. I am trying to live that way, as I believe He wants me to, because that is my purpose. That’s why I’m in this world. For Him, not for me. Also, whatever you say, I do, at least in part, blame myself for your divorce. It kills me every time I think about it.
Fifth, I have a message for you personally. I hope you haven’t stopped reading. You see, several people have tried to tell me that I never loved you in the first place. That it was just “feelings” or “affections” or some kind of sentimental wishy-washy brainless feeliness. CRAP. It’s all CRAP!!! I did love you! And whatever you say about “she SAID she loved me”…you know I did. You better know I did. I did love you…I DO love you…everything about you. I believe in you, in the things you say, in the things you do. You are a powerful, amazing, person. You are NOT broken, vulnerable, damaged, or anything else that stupid, judgmental people may try to call you. You are strong and brave and kind and loyal and amazing in so many ways that I can’t count. You taught me how to be strong, and how to speak my mind, and you are the first person that actually made me want to say what was in my heart. You were there for me, always there. You are amazing!!! AMAZING!!! You are a great father and a great friend and a great manager and you were a great boyfriend and a great soulmate. You probably think that I’m over here thinking you’re crap. You don’t get it. I practically worshiped you. You had this thing about you that was evident from the beginning–you are unique and passionate and just…special. You’re just you. There’s no one else who can hold a candle to you (in my opinion). You’re just amazing…
Lastly. I really wish that things could have been different. That our situations could have been different. I’ve spent the past month longing for that, but it’s reality. Things are what they are. Part of me also wishes that we hadn’t gotten romantically involved so that I could still know you as a big brother, a friend, a manager. Because you are worth knowing in any relationship, in any aspect. Listen to that. Read it again. You are WORTH knowing.
What I don’t want you to see this as is a plea to get back together. It’s not. I honestly don’t think that will happen. I am doing what I believe is right. I am obeying my parents. Hint–this is not the same as letting them “control me”. I do have my own mind, you know, and it’s not “brainwashed” by homeschooling or church or other people’s opinions.
Honestly, I’m wondering why I wrote this in the first place. But I really couldn’t have you believing for the rest of your life that I never loved you or that my choice therefore made you worthless. Don’t ask why. I don’t know. But you had to know the truth. Let’s just leave my reason at that.
I hope that you are happy. At some point, I would love to see you again. Not right now though. Not for quite a while. And maybe you never want to see me again, and that’s ok.
Another thing you mentioned was that I might be dating someone else. I thought about that, and have met several eligible guys since we broke up (my mom has even encouraged me toward some of them), but I’m not into it. I don’t have anything left to give anyone. Not my heart. Not my hands. Nothing. I’m giving up on love. Maybe that will change. But right now I want to focus on the rest of my life–school, work, hobbies, family, friends, and God. I’m still trying to figure out what the heck I’ve become, trying to put the pieces back together. So if you think I’m gonna run off with some guy, you’re wrong. You’re wrong. Honestly, no other guy is you, so I’m simply not interested.
Maybe I will see you sometime in the future. Maybe I’ll see you speak at a church, like your dream, or maybe I’ll look up while driving and see you driving a semi one day. Maybe I’ll see you in the grocery store, in a restaurant, on the open highway. I find it likely that you’ll be with someone else. Part of me will be happy, truly really happy, when you find someone else, and another part of me will die. But I hope that when that day comes, and it will, I will be able to smile at you and her. Because I know you’ll be happy. And if you’re happy, then I am too.
On a last note, I am crying writing this. On another last note, I hope that you keep going to church, that you talk to pastors like I am (ever consider talking to my pastor? Just saying, you can’t really judge him for not knowing your divorce situation because all I told him was that we started talking when you were still there. Just a thought.) I hope that you keep praying. I hope you are happy. I hope you become a psychologist, or a cop, or a truck driver. I hope your knee feels better, and that your hands don’t shake anymore. I hope you live in a house with a fence and have tons of kids to play in the yard with. I pray for you every night, for these things, and that you “shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living!” (Psalm 27:13) I will keep praying for you. Every day. As long as I have breath. For infinity, if you will.
Please don’t write back. I repeat, don’t write back. There are eyes watching. If you do, don’t expect that I will reply. Everything I wanted to say has been said.
Just, remember ok? I would like to forget you sometimes. I would REALLY like to, because if I pretend it never happened, then the pain and tears go away. But then I realized that I can’t and that I really don’t want to…. I don’t want to forget you. I don’t want to forget anything. Knowing you was worth the pain. Remembering you is also worth the pain. I hope that if I did anything for you, any good thing, that you will keep that in your heart, more than you keep any anger or hurt. I hope that you will remember the good times, the heart to heart talks, the lessons learned and my prayers for you, and not the rest. Just like a song that I’ve come to love recently, “When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done. Help me leave behind some reason to be missed. Don’t resent me, and when you’re feeling empty, keep me in your memory…leave out all the rest…leave out all the rest…”