It’s Monday….so this is a personal post. You have been warned 😉
Ten minutes until July 1st begins.
The past two months have been…interesting. More on that some other time, somewhere over the rainbow, or over the moon, as the cow jumped–since it’s nighttime after all, and we wouldn’t want to get the metaphors mixed up, now would we?
Tonight, I would like to talk about today. Because…today was different.
I set a schedule….”For the first time in forever!!!” (Cue Ana’s voice and image of swinging on a rope outside the castle. Ok, cut.) I got up earlier than usual. I ate breakfast. I turned off the addictive voice of my computer beckoning me with his (yes “HIS”) blank black screen, calling on an undertone that only I can hear, begging me to light him up. I started a new book today that I’m so thrilled about that I actually got past Page 1. I worked on a quilt and a crocheted blanket I am making for a former coworker. I read my Bible. I got one of them delicious Cookout hotdogs for lunch, and drooled the entire way from home to that glorious drive-through thinking about the meat doused with mustard and spicy chili and loaded with cole slaw and onions. If you are saying “ewww” I know not where thou finds sustenance thereof! (It’s after midnight, give me a break) I helped my friend to teach a mosaic class for kids today…felt useful again while peeling away strips of dried paint and helping scrawl a tortoise out on paper, trying to match my drawing to a Google photograph. Hehe. I drove past the one road in my hometown that makes me sick every time I get near it, took a breath and kept on going. I saw a silver Avenger, had a brief paranoia attack, but it didn’t take over my mind like usual. I went to Taekwondo class and twisted my ankle. I spent 3 hours with friends, listening to music and eating ice cream and playing some variety of karaoke face-footsie wars-crochet hook poking-and staring creepily. Whatever you call that. Weird, probably.
There was one point when I was driving down my street, and it was beautiful out. The windows were all open, the sunroof was down, and since I finally figured out how to burn CDs from Itunes (I’m the gal who quit computer programming class after 2 days 😛 ) my favorite song was on the speakers, LOUD. I started laughing, for no reason whatsoever.
Later, I was driving over the bridge, and the sun was setting over the downtown area. A bright orange ball shedding traces of itself on the surrounding sky…echoing in dark browns over the buildings, church steeples and gazebos and trees and flower sculptures…reflecting over the water and making that one castle-house at the point, the one with the American flag in the front yard, look like it was bathed in stripes of fire. I started crying. “God, I don’t deserve this. I told you I didn’t want to see another day…I didn’t deserve to see another day…much less this…why?!”
And then tonight, there were the stars. I stopped on the front sidewalk, just like I always did, and looked up at them.I can’t describe what they were like. Innumerable. Unimaginable. Incomprehensible. “Thank you.”
Today was good. And that meant so much because for awhile, it was just all pain. Every thought, every movement, every action caused some variety of stabbing, aching, or paralyzing grief. Then everything was just numb, dull, and emotionless. And it went on, and on, and on. I thought it would never end.
Today….today I was happy. Not carefree, not free of memories, not unburdened, not with resolved problems, not without doubts or fears or dread. But I was happy, in spite of all those things. That was the big thing. Realizing that it’s possible to live with pain, to walk through it, and to know that the goal isn’t to get to the other side. Heaven knows, the roller coaster could drop again when I would least expect it to. If the goal was getting to the other side of pain, I might have a lifetime to wait. I thought “once I answer this question…THEN I’ll be happy….once I get past these months…THEN I’ll be happy.”
It occurred to me that if someone told me I was going to die of cancer in three weeks, would I WANT to spend those weeks feeling sorry for myself, or focusing on trying to find an escape hatch from the problem, or by clinging to the fragile hope that things would change? No. I wouldn’t want to waste a breath on anything that wasn’t worth the air. So why would I do that now, when I don’t even have a clue how much time is left?
Today wasn’t a skip in the park.But it was GOOD. It was beautiful. It was the moment, from the extended version of Return of the King, when Frodo and Sam are resting against the side of Mount Doom. The sky is hazy with yellow fumes and the land is barren. Desolate. Black. Both hobbits are filthy and bleeding, and Frodo has his head rested against Sam’s shoulder because he can barely hold himself up anymore. Then, Sam looks up, and amidst the smog, there is a patch of sky, and in the patch…a single star. He exclaims…”Look Mr Frodo!!! There is light, and beauty up there…that no shadow can touch.”
Light. Beauty. A single star.
That no shadow….
NO shadow….can touch.
Can you see that star tonight?
Good night folks.This has been my personal post of the week. I hope tomorrow to pick a random topic about life and go on that. If you’ve got any ideas, shoot me a message.
It’s July 1st. 🙂