If you read the title wrong, then you probably think I’m talking about something that I’m not talking about. It wasn’t the last night of my life, although part of me wanted it to be. But suicide isn’t what this is about.
I’ve fallen in love with some new bands lately, one of them being Linkin Park. And since I’ve been a sheltered homeschooler most of my life (and I ain’t a bit sorry for it!) I had to go back and look up their old songs along with the new ones. I found one called “Breaking the Habit” and it slapped me right across the face…stung the skin a little.
Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again.
I hurt much more than any time before
I had no options left again.
I don’t want to be the one the battles always choose
Cause inside I realize that I’m the one confused.
I don’t know what’s worth fighting for,
Or why I have to scream!
I don’t know why I instigate, and say what I don’t mean.
I don’t know how I got this way, I’ll never be all right….
So I’m breaking the habit
Ever gave yourself an ultimatum? Ever took yourself apart, sorted right from wrong, and found the demons within you…looked them in the eye, and said “enough”? Ever stared into the mirror and knew exactly why your eyes and skin look the way they do, and thought, “it’s gone too far.” Ever broken the habit, whatever that habit is?
“It’s time to stop. This is the last night.”
It was July 4th, and that’s what I told myself.
I gave into my habits for one more night. On the 2 month anniversary, I let myself go. Let myself drown in it while the fireworks went off. The room was dark. I was alone. I let the thing inside eat me alive until the emotional pain became physical. Everything came back…all the bits and pieces that I had buried…Every memory that burned and scarred that I had trapped behind a dam…I let it flood my mind and wreck all the temporary bandages. I have never cried like that in my life. It was exhausting. Tormenting. It dragged on and on, pressing deeper and deeper, obscuring the light. I wanted it to end…however possible…whatever it took.
It was the last night.
The next morning wasn’t much better. The demons had followed me into sleep. But this time, I wasn’t giving in. “Get up.” My brain said.
“No. There’s nothing to get up for.”
“Why should I? There’s nothing left…”
“Shut up! Get out of bed!”
“I have a memory for you if you’re going to talk that way. What about when….”
Then I got up. The habit was broken…I would break it a thousand times more if that’s what it took.
And….that’s what it took. I had to tell my mind to shut up all day because it tried, at every opportunity, to make me panic or break down. Threw some pretty nasty tricks out there too. But it was clear that something had shifted. Finally, for the better. My thoughts didn’t rule me no more!
It’s not like all my problems are fixed, ya’ll. But it’s like I decided, with God’s help, to be in control of my mind again. Not to let it push me to the brink of insanity and twist my emotions up like tangled yarn and drop me from cloud nine to ground zero after just seeing something. It would not win.
That being said…
I still don’t have a job. But God has given me babysitting, petsitting, and temporary art teacher jobs to hold me over until I get that phone call. It’s easy to get discouraged because, out of the last 2 months, I’ve been unemployed for five weeks. But I believe something will come up. And because I will be working for my college in exchange for tuition this semester, I will still be able to go to school. 😀
I still miss my ex…soooooo much. And I think about him way more than I let on to my friends or family. Nothing about this situation has tarnished my opinion of him–that’s something that I find confuzzling. When we were together, I was always worrying about him and wondering “what is he thinking about? Why is he upset? When can I see him again? What are his plans for the future? Did he eat enough today? What does he dream about?” And those answers were just a text message away. I thought when we broke up that I would just move on and that those questions would no longer matter. Funny thing is, I never stopped caring. I was told not to care anymore, but that didn’t make it die.
I just have to take my powers of observation and hope that I can figure out the answers in my own way. It sounds like he’s doing well, that he has plans, that he’s eating enough, and that he might be interested in someone else or maybe in another relationship already. DEFINITELY moving on.
That kills me. And I don’t even know why. It kills me that I still care so much. It kills me that I still don’t understand my emotions.
But I’m good. Finally good. Not great.
But the habit is broken. Ever upward, ever onward. Excelsior! As Philippians 3:14 says, “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Pressing on, learning how to fight….but it’s not purposeless…there’s a reward on the other side.
A victory is won and the sun is out again and my feet are moving across the pavement because my mind is back where it needs to be.
I’ll paint it on the walls
‘Cause I’m the one at fault!
I’ll never fight again
And this is how it ends!!!!
I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean….
So I’m breaking the habit. Tonight.
I’d love to hear about your habit…how you broke it…or how you want to break it. Whatever it is. Feel free to send me emails (look in the about section) I hope that my experiences can help somebody else (I MEAN it!!!). Even if the sources of our pain are different (I’m know there are zillions of people out there who have suffered excrutiatingly from far worse things)….we’ve both felt it in some way. And pain is a good common stomping ground.
Maybe you’re sitting on the bed wondering, “I wonder what would happen if I just stopped. Gave it one more night, and just stopped.”
Find out. It’s worth it. Make tonight the LAST night that your demons rule you. Get up tomorrow and tell them that they don’t own you anymore. Because it’s true.
Break the habit.
🙂 Next post I am hoping to do some fiction, as scary an idea as that is. I got this notion to take a song and write the story behind it, but nobody will know what song the story is based on until the ending. That will give it a mysterious quality. Heh. I’ll give it a go, see how you guys like it.
Good night, or good morning, wherever you are.