This has been percolating in my brain for quite some time, and before it gets too stale, I’m gonna pour it into a cup and serve it to you black. No cream. No sugar.
I’m not saying that everything I say in here is a reflection of how I actually should be thinking. Or of what is right for me to think in this situation. It’s just what’s been on my mind. I’m sure I need to correct some of it. I trust God for the strength to realize my terrible fallacies, bad thinking, and sinful heart. Disclaimer over.
But….If you’ve ever been through a break-up, I think you will feel me on this one.
Because you know, you’re lonely and depressed and are probably eating too many sweets and drinking too much coffee, and on the really dark nights you sit outside, look at the stars, and wonder if it’s worth it to keep going. You daydream and remember and stalk your ex and talk about him with your friends and family.
And eventually, they get fed up. And they tell you things like:
- “You need to move on. There is someone better out there for you. Like me, for example, or such and such.”
- “If you miss him than why did you decide to stay here in the first place?”
- “I hope this won’t keep you from wanting to be with someone else in the future.”
- “Whatever you may try to tell yourself, that wasn’t love.”
- “You don’t miss him. You just miss being in a relationship.”
- “You don’t need to keep thinking about the past. Move on.”
These are all exact quotes that I have heard from my friends and family in the past two months. And I know they mean well, I KNOW that. I know they love me. I KNOW.
But here’s why I’m not listening.
#1. “There is someone better out there for you…like me.”
For one, if I thought you were the perfect one for me, I would be YOUR girlfriend. Second, I didn’t end my relationship because I am looking for someone “better.” My ex is an amazing person. I knew that long before we were together. When he was my manager, I respected him, admired him, and considered him to be the most important and unique person I had ever met. I was honored that he even wanted to be my friend. He is hilarious, kind, considerate, passionate, sacrificial, strong, independent, loving. In my eyes, he is perfect. He is a leader…the only person who could make me talk when I didn’t want to…the only person I trusted with all of my deep fears and doubts…the only person I ever loved.
You wanna tell me there’s someone better out there? YOU WANNA GO THERE?
I’m not buying it.
#2. If you miss him than why did you decide to stay…”
When push comes to shove, I didn’t make the decision I did because anyone made me do it. I did it because I realized that it was what God wanted me to do, and that it would be the best choice for my family and ultimately for myself. I had dug a pit, every shovelful another trick, another lie, another act of deception, another door closed in someone’s face. I couldn’t even open the Bible because I was so ashamed of my continual sin. I KNEW there was something wrong with it, but I lied to myself so many times that eventually my conscience was silenced. I shiver thinking about what could have happened if God hadn’t woken me up.
That doesn’t mean my choice was easy. Let me tell you….it was the HARDEST thing I have ever decided…the most heartwrenching PAIN I have ever felt…the deepest DARKNESS I have ever gone through. Because I did the one thing I never wanted to do–I hurt people. I hurt him. That was a hard realization to live with. And realizations like that have consequences in everyday life…emotional breakdowns, depression, loneliness. Even when the deepest pain is over, the scar tissue still remains.
#3. “I hope this won’t keep you from wanting to be with someone else in the future.”
Actually, that’s exactly what has happened.
I was talking to my best friend a couple days ago about a situation that’s going on with her and a guy she loves. Her comment was, “Brooke, if this doesn’t work out, I don’t ever want to be married.”
Girl, I feel ya!
Most people SEEM to think that my circumstance would make me long for another relationship like a guy in the desert looking for water.
Actually, it has made me a die-hard single wanna-be. I didn’t want to be in a relationship before I met him. I was never a giggly teenager who always talked about celebrity crushes and texting boys. I never cared. The only reason I got in a relationship with him was that little voice in the back of my brain: “Girl! This is what you’ve been waiting for! Go for it! You know you’ll never find someone like him again.”
I still believe that.
Why would I offer myself, an empty shell, to someone else? Why would I do that, when every time I look at another guy, all I can think is “He would NEVER do that” or “He would have always done that better…” Why…when every guy that my parents or friends recommend to me seems so flat, so one-dimensional, so BORING compared to him? Why would I do it, when I know that I gave him my whole heart, not half of it, not a fourth of it…I didn’t put one toe in to test the waters. I DOVE IN!
If I was to get in another relationship, I would be handing the guy a wrapped present. Pretty paper on the outside, a red bow on top.
And he would open it….and it would be empty.
I would have nothing left to give him.
#4. That wasn’t love.
I’ll keep this simple. I know that the circumstances I was in were not right. I know I made so many horrific mistakes…SO MANY….I know it was wrong…
But DON’T YOU TELL ME I DIDN’T LOVE HIM!!! DONT. TELL. ME. THAT.
Don’t tell me I don’t still love him now…
And if that wasn’t love, I don’t want any part of it.
#5. You don’t miss him. You just miss being in a relationship.
If I missed being in a relationship, I could get me another one pretty darn quick. Let’s face it, no matter who you are or where you live, if you want to get physically involved, you can get physically involved.
They act like I just miss physical contact. Or I just want someone…ANYONE…to make me not feel alone.
You don’t GET it!!!!
I miss him! I miss his smile and his winks and his voice and his laughter and the curly hair and cute freckles on his arms and his eyes and his jokes and his music and his phone calls and the way he used to walk and the way he smelled and the way he loved other people and the way he was strong and the way I knew he would always protect me…
I miss HIM. Not a relationship.
#6. Move on.
For one, moving on doesn’t mean that I don’t remember. Moving on doesn’t mean I stop loving him, stop thinking about him, or stop caring.
Moving on also doesn’t mean that I start looking for a new boyfriend. A “replacement.”
This is what moving on means to me:
It means living how God wants me to. Honoring my family. Taking care of my friends. Being there for the people who need me. Reaching out to causes that are beyond my own musings. Having fun. Driving in the car with the windows down singing Taylor Swift and Imagine Dragons as loud as I can. Dancing. Cleaning. Working on my hobbies. Putting all of my effort into my school. Finding a new job and doing the best that I can. Making new friends. Building goals. Raising money. Traveling. Writing. Accomplishing something significant. Dreaming big. Living every day as if it were my last. Loving God. Loving others. Being willing to change. Being able to stay the same.
And being me. Not who other people think I am, not who they want me to be, not even who I want me to be. Just being who I really am. Being obedient…but FREE.
I’ll leave you with this final word, considering all I’ve said. What does moving on mean to you? How would you describe your process of moving on? How did it turn out in the end? Do you agree with me? Why or why not?
As a note, I’ve set my goal on not dating until I’ve gotten through college. I don’t know if I will have changed my mind by then about being in another relationship. Shucks, man, I may be dead by then! Who knows? But for now…I’ve got my eyes turned towards the horizon…
In closing, here’s the sum of what I think, in pretty colorful meme form: