So, I saw someone this evening…
It’s been a long time.
About 3 months…
I was at a park, in the downtown area of my beautiful home city. There was a breeze floating through the trees, reaching across the water, and people of all sorts were milling about. My friends were cooking out brats on this mini grill. I watched them, and then spent some time swinging–just like I’ve been doing there since I was 6 or 7 years old.
Then I saw the car.
You know how some people….when they get freaked out, start blabbering and flailing and talking a lot? Well when I get freaked out, my senses all go on high alert. I get very, very quiet, and very, very still, and I watch very, very closely.
He got out of his car and walked to a bench, then sat on it for a couple minutes, then walked around it a few times, smoked a cigarette, then walked back to his car.
But just watching, something happened in me.
I thought I was ready to face it all whenever I saw him again. Ready to just be friendly and nice like I am with anybody else. Ready to at least be able to have a straight-eye-to-eye conversation without falling apart. In some ways, I feel like I owe that to him.
I thought I could be brave enough.
I was wrong.
It all came back again…everything came back….
Because in that moment, I was the same girl who sat in the dark room and decided that there wasn’t any light at the end of the tunnel. That moment took me back 3 months ago. When I was broken. Vulnerable. Lonely. Terrified.
It’s hard to see that the person I’ve tried to overcome is still inside me….
It’s hard to accept that she can just as easily go back to the dark days as she can live believing in the light.
It’s hard to accept that this part of me may never go away…
That even as good as life is sometimes, the demons are still there, hidden in the darkness, and you only have to dig deep enough to find them.