How are you?
I’ve been doing alot of thinking over the past few days. You know, after 3 1/2 months, I really thought it would be all over, but I guess I was wrong.
My last post, was meant to be the smashing 50th one…the powerful punch…
But I do not like what I said in it. I got plenty of congratulations on how awesome it was, but I did not like it, so I deleted it.
Here is the real 50th Target Verified post.
And a couple things I want everyone to know.
#1. I do not want to stop writing in this blog. Ever since I was 3, I have dreamed of being an author, and as I’ve grown up, the keyboard has been my outlet. My resource. My method of reaching out and of clearing my head. It’s also what I am studying in college. If I can’t write, I might as well be dead.
#2. For those of you out there that I know personally–who have read this blog, who have read my posts on Facebook–I know in my heart that you have the best of intentions. I know for a fact that you love me. But if you are interested in considering how to best care for me, then please do me a favor. If you see that I’m having a hard time, please come talk to me about it. I am not going to spit in your face or ignore you. A couple of my friends, my real true friends, have done this. They’ve read my blog or my FB posts and then called me up like, “Hey, is there something bothering you? How are you doing? I’m praying for you, and if you want to talk I am here.” THANK YOU! I trust these people more than anyone else in my life. But honestly, if you read my stuff and then go to tell someone else about it, or ask someone else how I’m doing instead of asking me, I find it hard to trust you. It feels like I am being tattle-taled on (is that even a word?), and as good as I know your intentions are, I would appreciate it much more if you would come talk to me first. Please…
#3. I know who my real friends are now. Sometimes, when there’s a fall-out, people have to pick sides. It would really have been horrible of me to expect everyone to come romping over to my battle-camp. No hard feelings…okay, maybe a couple. But just saying, I understand. This experience has been a line-divider and a deal-breaker. It’s almost nice–now I know who I can and cannot trust.
#4. I’m fine. There are some days that I am good, and some days that I am horrible. But isn’t that how all of us are? Please don’t worry about me. For those of you who have been worried, I am sorry. I am sorry I didn’t tell you about this before and that I kept it hidden. You probably feel hurt because I didn’t trust you. I am sorry because that is true. I am realizing though, through God, that I need more accountability in my life and a little less secrecy. Please forgive me.
#5. About my last post…when I said alot about my ex “stalking” my little brother at work. Well, it turns out that one side, my parents, was adamantly telling me one thing, and the other side, my ex and friend, were adamantly telling me the opposite thing. They both got mad at me for being slightly confused over who was telling the truth. Like the decision should have been so easy. Well, I did some investigating, and sources (multiple) tell me that my ex had come into my brother’s work before and asked for him, and did try to call him. But…my brother himself expressed to me that he never felt intimidated or victimized or stalked. He said that some of the appearances could have been mere coincidences.
I know for a fact that my ex is not a devil, a psychopath, a predator or a stalker. Far from the truth. I will repeat again–throughout the course of my relationship, I was never used or victimized. He was always kind and loving toward me.
I feel like the details of this incident were exaggerated to make me believe something that is not true. I don’t appreciate that. But I suppose I am to blame for automatically believing the first thing that I was told without conducting my own investigation first. It’s true that I am easily manipulated…(all the more why I need accountability) I am sorry for posting anything about it…it should have been done privately…I didn’t need to draw my ex out and burn him on this post. I didn’t have any right to do that. I was wrong. I really don’t believe that God was pleased with what I wrote.
#6. On the other hand, to those people that decided to burn me for the decisions I’ve made…that decided to make their last words to me full of hatred….I’ll tell you what. I had a whole lot of things that I wanted to turn back around and shoot you with. I was very angry and hurt by the things that you said….
And then I realized that if I did that, I would be the exact person you accused me of being.
You accused me of being a hypocrite and someone who doesn’t have a clue what love or loyalty really is. That my religion ruins how I act toward other people. And if I would have burned you back…fire for fire…vengeance…I would be just the person you thought I was.
I don’t believe God wants me to return insult for injury. Jesus didn’t do that for me. I’ve done plenty of things that made him have to go to the cross to die for me, and He never once threw that back in my face, even though I desperately deserve it.
And for another thing, I don’t want to be lying on my deathbed, thinking, “why were my last words to that person so full of hatred? I wish I would have said something different…”
So for you who turned your backs on me for what I believe…I don’t hate you….I care about you…I want God to show me how to do that better…like 1 Corinthians 13…
I will always remember the good times we had…
And yeah, I’m still praying for you. If all Christians “saved their prayers for someone we won’t hurt” then we would never be able to pray. Because whoever you love, you will disappoint and wound them deeply at some point. Like I said in my last post…real love doesn’t break God’s word…it is not just a feeling…it is not a fairy tale. Real love is a battle, and wounds are incurred…but it also brings healing and restoration…
#7. You know what, I asked God for awhile, “why has all this stuff happened to me??? I know that I made bad choices, but I never meant for this to happen! You know I never wanted this to happen! Why?”
And you know what, I still don’t have a clear answer for that.
But that’s okay. I have learned more in the past 4 months than I have the rest of my life put together. That wisdom is worth gold, like Proverbs says, if I actually use it. And God has promised me that things will work out for the good if I am His child.
Know what else? I hear all kinds of people talking about “no regrets” and telling me that I will eventually regret this, that, or the other.
2 Corinthians 7:10a says, “For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret…”
True repentance (read the rest of the chapter for more info) is a ticket to no regrets. NO REGRETS!!! NONE!!!
God promises that following Him is not something I will regret…not one little bit.
Okay folks, that was my 50th post.
At this point, I am ready to lay my personal problems, and everything that happened over the summer, to rest. Dead and buried. I’ve realized that I cannot afford to let it drown me anymore.
So…I am done talking about it. I am done writing about it. Every now and then I may bring it up…but until that time…
You know what tomorrow starts?
A new school year…second week at a new job…opportunities to meet new people…
A rebirthing…another chance…a fresh start.
What about you?