Today is December 31, 2014.
It has been one year since alot of things began and alot of things ended.
And some of ya’ll may have plans to go out and have a good time with friends and stay up until the ball drops–watch the fireworks crack red and green against the newborn sky, and shout “Happy New Year!!!” at the top of your lungs as the clock strikes twelve….
I plan to do some of those things too, because after all today is a holiday. 🙂 But for me, it is also the home stretch at the end of a very hard year. And I don’t want to let the memories escape me, even on New Year’s Eve.
On this day one year ago, December 31 2013, I chose to be in a relationship. I let go of my better judgment, my upbringing, my fears, and my doubts and dove into a journey I didn’t know I was beginning. That one choice ended up being the flick of the first domino in the chain. And just like one domino falls and knocks over the next one in line until they are all falling down in a wave of black-and-white motion….in the same way one choice is never just that. One choice is always the beginning of so much more.
At the time, my relationship seemed like the best thing that could ever happen to me. Little did I realize that I was hanging myself in a web of lies, tightening the noose around my neck with every secret, every whisper of deceit. He told me the pain would turn into happiness, and I believed him, because–let’s face it–I was unbelievably happy. All the things I had dreamed about love, they were nothing compared to the fairy tale I was living in. It was all I had ever imagined, all I ever wanted.
But happiness in itself is not enough.
When it all crashed down on May 5–the day I knew our relationship was over because all the secrets were unraveled, the day I lost my job –I was devastated. I was in a fog so thick that I couldn’t see what was right or wrong, and all I could do was point the finger at anyone to blame. Days of darkness came after that, days of silence alone in a room, of looking at the clock and willing the minutes to pass faster…and those days turned into weeks and those weeks turned into months and nothing changed. I remember those days, and they seem like yesterday. Yesterday…
And then, after about four months, things started to change. It was slow, like rebuilding a town that has been destroyed by a tsunami, brick by brick, one movement at a time. My relationships began to be repaired…trust restored. After another failed attempt at holding down a job, I finally found a place that I belonged. Amazing grace also provided me with the financial means to go to school. I was busy, and slowly but surely the happiness began to return. I felt life instead of dullness.
But that was not the end of it.
The scars were still there, the stress and panic and bad habits and memories–they lingered on like a bad cold that wouldn’t go away.
But in December…the end of December…about a week ago….something changed. CHANGED.
I talked about that in my post, “All I Ever Wanted.” The healing, the restoration, and the renewed vision. It was an amazing change that only God could provide. Since that day, my whole outlook on my future has turned about 180 degrees in the other direction.
And now, on December 31, 2014…I want to make my resolution. At the end of the home stretch, at the end of the year, at the end of this chapter of my life…on New Year’s Eve…
I resolve not to live 2015 the same way I lived 2014.
You are probably laughing right now thinking, “Well duh!”
Hang in there, don’t spill your drink. I’m going to explain my resolution, mostly the “how? whens? and why?”
But…that is a story for my next post–tomorrow morning 🙂
Good evening, people. Be wise tonight and stay safe, and think about your life the past year. In light of that, what would you change?
Musings on a New Year’s Eve
Today is December 31, 2014.