I Am Alive!

if you happen to be wondering at my absence, i will say that this is not being written postmortem.
i am very much alive,
just enraptured in day-to-day comings and goings.
some mundane and some intense
great decisions have come to mind,
and those who love me have told me this way or that.
and i, being either stubborn or stupid or wise,
have chosen to take the road less traveled by.
i have no doubt it will make some difference
but that has yet to be revealed.
i have need of great strength lately, outside my own arms
because i am not a fighter at heart.
i have need of prayer and unvarying grace
for the sin that never seems to depart
and clutches at my heels as i run.
i have need of companionship for the
lonely nights of in-and-out when
my thoughts betray me and dreams fly out my bedroom window.
i wonder if the owl that coos outside
that window knows that at least his presence
means i am not alone.
for these are indeed bewildering times
when i would hide from the news and turn away
from things that are true but difficult to hear.
my heart aches because the world and me are dying.
faster here and slower there, but fading still
from darkness to light or from light to darkness.
and in it i am afraid and i hope and i dream and i hide.
but i can’t give up–that’s all i know.
prayers would be appreciated, and patience as i work on these posts
one or two about love and my experiences and thoughts of late,
the long-awaited Cinderella story,
which is already begun and is sitting in a folder on Word
waiting for me.
and after that, who indeed knows?
just know that i am not dead. i am still alive
and as long as i am alive
i write.

Advertisements

6 comments

  1. Something you said caught my attention. The words “I am not a fighter at heart”. It sounded so wrong, and yet fit right in with the tone you set in your post. I thought and thought about why that caught me wrong and came up with a question. My question is this: If you are not a fighter, are you really living? If you are not actively fighting for what you want regardless of the odds being stacked against you, where are you going? Are you just going with the flow, doing what you need to in order to keep everyone else happy? Perhaps you need to to exercise your fighting muscles and fight to clear your path of the pain and the confusion your decisions seem to be causing you. If the decision you made was one you truly believe is right (not one that someone else said was right, there is a difference) then stand behind it and fight with or without someone’s arms or prayers holding you up.

    • You are so, so right. I don’t really feel like I am not fighting for what I have chosen (which does seem to be opposite of going with the flow lately), because if I weren’t fighting my life would be going nowhere. I will admit though that it is not my first instinct to go against the flow. For some reason it has been hard for me to learn how to choose my own path, still taking advice but making my own decisions at the same time. I suppose finding that balance is my struggle. Thank you so much for all you said. 🙂

      • It is hard to learn to fight against the odds. It does get easier. I used to have an extremely hard time with it, but the more I stood up for myself and what was right for me the easier it got. There will be decisions you regret, but that doesn’t mean you should stop. Learn from it and move on. Don’t ever stop fighting, because if you do your life will pass you by, and that will be your biggest regret. Sometimes taking everyone’s advice isn’t always good for you. They aren’t living your life and feeling what you feel. Take the advice with a grain of salt and do what feels right for you. You know what feels right, what gives you peace, what allows you to sleep peacefully at night. Go with that regardless of what others say or feel. This is something that has taken me a long time to learn. I wish you luck and hope you learn it sooner and with less heart ache than I did.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s