After finishing 13 papers in the last three days of the semester, I am finally free to breathe again. It is a good feeling-coffee is more now than just a stimulant to keep my eyes from shutting too soon, the words on the page are more than just an A or a B.
I walked into the library last Tuesday with water dribbling down my cheeks, my white balloony sleeves with black flowers soaked–just like my black ballet flats. I had been listening to “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner” in my car when I realized that the rain was not stopping and I had no umbrella in the backseat. I remember smiling as I walked past the trees and the construction site, through the steam pouring from the vents on the red brick walkway by the library (pictured above). Damp parking receipt, shiny hair, water seeping through the thick green skin of my backpack. This would be a moment to remember.
Now I have time to look into the questions that have pressed upon me this semester-Does my faith fit with modern academic thought? What does it mean to be a Christian in this world, in my personal world? What place do human rights have in God’s world? How should I talk to other people about what I believe? Am I really putting Christ first? What is my motive for living this way? How do I know the Bible is true?
Not to mention that besides these questions, life is changing. People are graduating, getting engaged, planning weddings, having babies. I am very content with my single life and would not desire it any other way-but it is a strange feeling. It is knowing in your heart what it is to be just a little bit older, to carry a little more weight and heaviness of the world, to wonder about death and life and what makes us all care.
As a Christian, I want to know the answers to these questions, or at least reach a peaceful impasse where I can trust God to show me at the right time. I feel like many people don’t want to admit they have such questions, such doubts. They wonder if they mention their fears, someone will plaster red duct tape over their mouth with the word “heretic” or “unbeliever.” They don’t want to stand out, clothed in guilt before the eyes of both friends and enemies.
Please, ask those questions! Matthew 7:7 says: “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” Just as they say you can’t live by other people’s convictions, it is much better to ask questions than to numbly “glide” through life never questioning the road.
So asking questions and finding answers: this is what I intend to do this summer-among other things. 🙂