I’m always afraid,
of what’s inside my head
“What’s Inside My Head”, Red
You know who this is for.
In fact, you are helping me type each letter out this very moment. My fingers arch and stretch to reach the black keys and then pound emphasis into the space bar–all because this is what you tell them to do.
You, my chaotic mind, have been creating whirlwinds and hurricanes since I was in elementary school. Since 4th grade you have been tossing unwanted images and impulses into my head, hurling intrusive thoughts like tree trunks into an otherwise stable atmosphere. You have made me buckle under the weight of the things spinning around in-between the walls of my mind. You have made me question my sanity, my identity, and my capabilities. Snatching me away like rooftop shingles in a gale, you have stolen hours, days, weeks, months of my life to your madness.
My chaotic mind, you have spun obsessions like a tornado tossing and spinning bales of hay. I think that I can ignore your forecasts. I think that I can walk enough times across the carpeted floor, pacing back and forth, to make you come to your senses. I lie awake and worry if maybe I have missed something in that line of text, compare articles and podcasts and whispers from a sermon to deduce the answer. Maybe I should have studied law instead of English, I think–because I can hear the shudder and echo of a courtroom in my mind every single day.
I want you to stop, but somehow, you have endeared yourself to me. You are like an abusive lover who I can’t get rid of but who won’t stop hurting me.
But you cannot–I cannot evict you without losing everything else too–the glow of happiness on a car drive in summer, the calm and rush of wind that exhilarates me right before the rain, the push of fuzzy socks against the wood floor, the warmth of coffee in the long winter days.
So I guess we will coexist like this–in this love and fight relationship.
Just please, calm down a little.
The rest of me
Thank you for reading this!
I am going to start posting more about what I’d like to call my “mental health journey” onto this blog from now on–sharing resources, Biblical help, and experiences. I think that two of the most important things when it comes to dealing with mental health are clarity and community, and I hope to have the opportunity to discuss those further.
Stay strong, and cry to God with the echoes of a chaotic and unsettled mind like David did in the Psalms.
“How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide Your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul (or NIV: “How long must I wrestle with my thoughts…) and have sorrow in my heart all the day?….But I have trusted in Your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because He has dealt bountifully with me. (Psalm 13 ESV)